Youngblood (1986)

I watched Youngblood for the first time in at least 18 years and all I have to say is, Wow!

How I remembered the movie:

Rob Lowe plays a young hockey player named Youngblood trying to go pro, he falls in love with the coaches daughter. I also vaguely remember a scene where he talks to the coaches daughter while operating a zamboni.

Things I failed to remember:

Rob Lowe is raped not once but twice in this movie.

Rape #1- Statutory (Less bad kind of rape- still bad though)


A 17 year old Rob Lowe is taken advantage of by the sneaky attractive 40 year oldish boarding house caretaker. If you had to classify it would be the good kind of rape, like when a hot 23 year old english teacher gives a handjob behind the bleachers after school to the star running back of the high school freshmen football team.

Rape #2- Playful Hazing or frightening homosexual Rape?

Holy shit, If you told me before re-watching this movie that Rob Lowe would be gang raped by Patrick Swayze, Keanu Reeves and a bunch of vaguely Canadian extras I would have lost my fucking mind trying to find a clip.

After Rob Lowe's first practice with the team he is accosted in the locker room by a gang of his new teammates. His new compadres start out by innocently asking if he shaved today. Sure kind of a strange question, maybe it's a traditional Canadian icebreaker question, I don't know I'm not familiar with the culture, I'm gonna give them the benefit of the doubt on that one. Rob Lowe keeps it casual, "Sure, I shaved today" I'm 17 and look like I've never shaved in my life but I shaved today. Sure you did 17 year old Rob Lowe movie character. Than things get Jodie Foster in "The Accused" ugly real fast (fun google search: pinball+rape). His teammates grab him, force him onto a table and hold him down. Keep in mind that at this point only a thin cloth towel protects Rob Lowe from stark nakedness. Then a moment that ruined youth sports for a thousand cold climate residing children forever. One teammate produces a razor blade and slowly squares up with Rob Lowe's world famous cock. Oh Christ please let this be a joke tell me they're not gone shave his junk. The straight razor is getting closer and closer and then the scene cuts.



What the fuck happened, were they fucking with him. Is Rob Lowe's cock intact, is he going to have to be fitted for a merkin? God I hope they were screwing with him, how could he ever trust his teammates on the ice if he can't trust them not to violate his man bits. How will this brutal haze/rape reflect on his relationship with the team. All unanswered questions. Poor Rob Lowe character. Is there a DVD with a commentary track out there, I want answers.

Someone high up in the production of this movie was unabashedly gay

I don't know if it was the director Peter Markle, the writer John Whitman or some faceless, powerful, lavender-colored suit. But this movie is so gay it makes gay porn look like made for cable gay porn. So what makes this move gayer than gay porn. Oh I don't how about a 3 minute scene where Rob Lowe carelessly struts around the hallways of the arena bare assed in a jock strap. Hey director can we can get some makeup on Lowe's ass it looks like he spent the first 17 years of his life playing hockey on the moon. Great you got a nudity clause in Rob Lowe's contract mazel tov to your lawyer, but let's maybe keep the ass shots to a minimum, I don't need 27 different angles the first 1 second clip is enough. We get you like beating off to bratpack ass, but you're not making porn, you're telling a story, a story that could be told with one 3-5 second shot.


This scene goes on for at least six and half hours

Not convinced, check this shit out.


Nothing straighter than working out shirtless, wearing nothing but hockey pants and listening to 80's synth music on your Walkman. Then Swayze blows it by snapping his towel at the crotch of his shirtless Canadian winger.


Hockey games are determined by who wins a fight

A big focus of the movie is the fruition of Dean Youngblood's dream to play professional hockey. Youngblood is clearly supposed to be a less Canadian Wayne Gretzky, numerous scenes are devoted to Rob Lowe's stunt double and his amazing skating and puck handling. Lowe can and does score at will. Well guess what asshole in this movie you can't win a hockey game by scoring. Actually playing hockey is for pussies, in Youngblodd games are won or lost by the skin of your lily white fists.

Where a normal sports movie would end with a game winning goal, basket, homerun, or touchdown. Youngblood takes a different path, sure Rob Lowe scores two goals in ten seconds to give his team, the Generic Canadian City Mustangs, the big win over the Thunder Bay Antagonists and yeah the deciding goal happens on a penalty shot with no time remaining but what kind of resolution is that? Ending a movie in that fashion is for movies not trying to overcompensate for it's secret appeal to homesexuals by grounding every other scene in senseless violence.

The grand denoument of Youngblood occurs when Rob Lowe unbelievably beats the hell out of his bearded Canadian nemesis Racki in a good old fashioned post game fist fight. To this point Racki had fucked up Youngblood on three occasions not to mention the scene where he puts Patrick Swayze in the hospital. That's right the Patrick Swayze, who was not only a great hockey player but also the toughest damn bouncer in the North America. With the help of his slightly tougher brother and his grizzled farmer father Youngblood learns to box and pull someone's shirt over their head in a ten minute montage that goes so well that he is now skilled enough to punch out Mike Tyson (provided the fight was on ice and assuming that Mike Tyson can't iceskate.) So Youngblood wins the fight, the crowd reveals that they like fighting more than hockey and everyone wins. Canadians prove that their culture is far more violent than ours and I dig out my Sega Genesis version of NHL '95, pick the Kings and try to get in a fight with Wayne Gretzky. Guess what? I got my ass kicked thanks for nothing Rob Lowe.



Keanu Reeves Does not have range as an actor

Everyone already knew this but check out 1 of only 2 lines he has in the movie. A young and slightly less crazy Keanu plays Mustang's ace french-canadian goalie Heaver. I've heard better french accents from cartoon skunks.





Youngblood might be the greatest hockey player of all time

Youngblood makes Gretzky and Howe look like total amateurs. My evidence, in ten minutes of ice time Youngblood scores four goals and has two assists. That's six points in ten minutes not of screen time but time as actually portrayed in the games played in the film. He plays in three games, is benched for banging the coaches daughter for all but portions of two periods. I know what you're thinking, it's a Semi-Pro league who gives a shit. Well think on this, at one point in the movie Patrick Swayze suggests that his character, Sutton, has a chance at going #1 in the NHL draft, when Youngblood joins Sutton on the line he is clearly much better than him. So if Sutton had a chance at being the #1 pick and Youngblood is much better, his ceiling is higher than a player in the history of organized sports. So screw you Messier and Lemieux, forget your Stanley Cup victory memories, if Youngblood was in the league (assuming Racki didn't murder him) those championships would never have happened.



Apparently the Mid 80's Aids scare did not carry over to Canada

Rob Lowe makes sweet love to all of the women who talk to him in the movie. He goes 2 for 2, nailing the landlady and the coach's high school aged daughter. I was lead to believe that free love ended in the 60's but apparently not in the Great North.

Did this movie live up to my childhood expectations?

Yes.

In the sense that I enjoyed the movie. No it cannot be classified as anything but an exploitation of mid 80's culture, there is no real art here. That being said not only did it live up to my expectation it added layers to what I remembered as a fun simple sports movie. Now I know a movie that ends with a giant hockey fight, can be as gay or arguably gayer than a musical based on the life of Liberace. I laughed (not when the director intended), I cried (not really) and I learned (again, not really).